Tuesday, March 20, 2012

KITCHEN DISASTERS ~ BFF 176

BFF 176

 

Usually, I type lies… Well, that is what I call my fiction stories. Just allow me my little humor… OK? Any who… This story is a true story and I am the star character. That said ~ let me allow a peek into my ditzy world…

It was 1968 and I was newlywed. It was the year that one of my kitchen disasters became legend…

The kitchen was no strange place for me because it seemed that I had already been in the kitchen most of my life. As a small child, my Mom let me “help” bake cookies. Between us, she mixed, rolled the dough (with my help, of course), I cut, she baked and I ate cookies warm from the oven. Cakes were a little trickier, so Mom did most of it, but I always, with the assistance of my two sisters, helped clean the beaters and bowl…

My Mom was a wonderful cook and I was her most attentive fan. I watched everything my Mom did in the kitchen. By the age of 10, with Mom’s supervision, I was able to follow recipes, including the ability to measure correctly, whether dry, liquid or Crisco… By the age of 12, I was allowed free reign in the kitchen with only one rule…”Clean the kitchen when done”. My Dad LOVED the treats so lovingly baked by his oldest daughter.

I had no real interest in preparing a meal until I was about 14. Desserts were my specialty. One day, my parents were on a fishing trip and I decided that I would surprise them with a full course dinner. (Excuse me a minute while I get all this mirth out… hahahahaha… OK…back to the story). I pulled a nice beef roast from the freezer, then ran water on it to thaw. (SHUT UP!!! I WAS A MERE CHILD!!!) Well, we all know how that worked out. When about 1/8th inch depth was thawed, I decided to get started because I didn’t want dinner to be late and I was excited to show my parents that I could cook a complete meal. It would, after all, thaw in the pot. Right? So, I browned that frozen roast, then covered it in water. I just knew that I needed to boil it to both thaw and cook tender. (Yeah…more mirth…it’s good for my soul… SHUT UP! HAHAHA) Next, I peeled potatoes. Nice thin peels, just like Mom. I set them to boil in another pot. The veggie was easy…just opened a can. That is the one and only thing that my Mom did that I do not allow in my kitchen. No canned veggies for me!!! But, in Mom’s defense, she was a stay at home Mom and the budget was tight, so canned veggies it was. Ugh! I didn’t know any better because that is all I knew…then…

Well, back to the story… The potatoes were fluffy and perfectly mashed. I put a pinch of celery leaves here and there for appeal. The canned veggies were….well….canned veggies. Blah! The roast was on a platter, also decorated with sprigs of celery leaves while I whipped up the gravy. Homemade biscuits were arranged beautifully in the bread basket. All in all, the dinner looked delicious! And it was…except for that troublesome roast. It was like chewing leather. My Dad cut small pieces and complimented the cook. (He was such a great Dad!) My Mom was doing her best to encourage me that it wasn’t that bad, but I knew it was and I was sooo upset. Well, Mom was able to salvage that roast by returning to the pot, while explaining to me how to cook a perfect roast. THAT was my first kitchen disaster.

Back to 1968… My new husband was very pleased with my cooking prowess. He was so pleased that he invited more than 20 people to our first Thanksgiving dinner. Luckily, Mom cooked like she was going to feed a small army and I learned the same, so we had plenty for all. Shortly after Thanksgiving, he decided that he would invite his boss and his wife for dinner. He always did the inviting, and then told me after he had invited. Since it was his boss, he asked that I prepare something special. I poured over my cookbooks for just the perfect recipe. Ah ha! I found a recipe that looked fancy and was sure to impress. I went to work, following the recipe to a T. The recipe called for ground ham, which I promptly ground with my trusty old meat grinder. (Which I still have, BTW…)

I happily added the other ingredients, mixed well and put the mixture in a loaf pan to bake. I got the first hint that something wasn’t going as I planned when a familiar smell filled the kitchen. But, I continued to hope that I was wrong as I prepared the potatoes, gravy, biscuits and veggie dish. Finally, dinner was ready so I invited my husband and company to come to the dinner table. One bite of the meat dish confirmed all of my fears…I had prepared a giant SPAM!!! I was mortified. My husband and company were polite…that’s all… And, I have never lived down the fact that I made homemade SPAM for a fancy dinner… In fact, it is LEGEND… Nothing like candles, fine china and SPAM! LOL

Speaking of legend… I have one more. Hee hee… An intentional legend, if you will. My husband’s habit of inviting people to dinner began to get under my skin when his brothers began visiting around dinner time almost daily. One time, the guys were all in the backyard building a boat. My husband came into the house to ask me to fix enough lunch for all of them. By that time, I was pretty darned fed up with being the order chef, so I smiled sweetly until he returned to the backyard. Then I “prepared” lunch. I opened a can of pork ‘n beans and dumped it into a saucepan.  I sliced a couple of hot dogs into the beans, warmed and then called them in for dinner. I guess the look on my face must have warned them all that they better just shut up and eat it. And none of them said a single word except Mmmmm. LOL…my beans ‘n hotdog lunch for company is also legend…

Those were not my only kitchen disasters… There have been plenty. In fact, I had one just a couple of weeks ago that we shall not discuss unless it becomes legend…

18 comments:

  1. LMAO!! Homemade Spam!! I didn't even think there was such a thing!! I mean-- yes there is a such thing as Spam-- but I only ever thought it came in one of those ham shaped cans!! Great Story Darlene. My kitchen disasters are disasters of the -- get her out of the house kind. It is frequently suggested when it is my turn to cook that I order pizza--delivered. No room for error there!! Cheers, Jenn.

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    1. I'll have to see if I can find it and then post the recipe in Pinching Pennies just for fun. LOL I've already looked in two old cookbooks for it, but I have many cookbooks (2 bookcases full...I've collected cookbooks since 1968). It would probably be easier to google a recipe. hahaha

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  2. Spam! Oh, my gosh! I cannot even imagine that happening...You must have a very kind husband and good humored friends. Bless your heart at the age of 14, cooking your parents a full course meal! :)

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    1. That was my first husband. He was a very sociable type and I am not. We divorced after 3 years. I married my current husband in 1973. We completely agree on the fact that neither of us cares much for company and the only dinner parties I have hosted in many, many years has been family only. However, my SPAM formal dinner story is well known by him too. In fact, he is the one who reminded me of it when I told him the topic this week. LOL

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  3. That is so funny!! Did you invent SPAM Darlene?? If so, I think you are entitled to a little money!!! Here you thought you were making something fancy. My favorite part of your ramblings was how you fixed your husband good and served up beans and hot dogs for his spontaneous lunch with company!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL My husband has pulled that inviting people over before and I went ballistic. I made him help me with everything. He learned in a big hurry not to do that unless he was prepared to help in all ways. LOLOLOL Great post!!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. I must admit that I sadistically enjoyed the beans 'n franks lunch and the looks on all their faces. No one dared to say a word because I think the sparks were fairly flying off of me. LOL

      My Mom made a lot of meals with SPAM and I hated every one of them! Even so, when I was first married and money was so tight, I also resorted to a SPAM meal or two. I was not happy to spend all that time in preparation for that special dinner when I might as well have opened a few cans of SPAM!!! hahaha

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  4. Too funny Darlene. Loved the bit about spam and the beans & weenies.

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    1. I highly recommend the beans & weenies meal for drop-in company. It has a way of it's own to get the message across.... LOL

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  5. Thank God I'm not alone anymore! haha. I'm so glad you came to visit my blog yesterday! I will ore-warn you that I m legally blind so the only way i can find peoples blogs is if they comment. Then I can click on their links. Silly I know but that's all I have at this time! Have a great Thursday!
    Oh and are you still married to that man? hee hee

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    1. Not silly, but I appreciate that you explained the reason. I have been largely AWOL recently, so if I have missed some of your blogs since I began following, please forgive me. Life does get in the way sometimes...

      To answer your question, no... We were divorced after 3 years. He wasn't a bad guy...just incompatible in many ways. He was a widower with 2 small daughters. They are still my daughters and now, I am the only parent they have left. He passed away in 2006. I love them dearly.... And because of that, I have often wished I had stuck it out for their sakes.

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  6. Oh that's sad! However I noticed in your "about me" it says you are devoted to your husband so I'm guessing you are happily remarried! That's great. I was married for 14 years before we finally got divorced.. I'm remarried now and so much happier. My youngest which you will often see me refer to as Mr P is my husbands but he is my son. I say that to explain I understand how those two girls are "your" daughters. I'm sure they feel very blessed to have you in their lives. As for the Zombie Elf... He is so darling I want to squeeze him most times. E has three girls and the little man. I think she is baffled by him sometimes haha.

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    1. Yes, I remarried in 1973. In fact, I like my hubby so much that I married him 3 times. We shall not discuss the 2 divorces... LOL

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  7. LOL...........how funny my blogging bud'. Loved the special SPAM made for the boss and wife of course the truth is I love the stuff and yep, hot dogs and beans too. My worst kitchen fiasco was the first year I made the Thanksgiving Turkey. I would love to say I was 16 but it was wayyyyyyyyyyy later than that. All went perfectly actually until I was ready to carve the golden bird. It finally sunk in - I had cooked Tom Turkey upside down for hours and so had a golden turkey butt. The breast remained as pale as when I had put it in.

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    1. Hahahaha... That is the first time I ever heard of anyone cooking the turkey upside down! What a hoot! I cooked a chicken once with the bag of parts still inside. Not that I didn't know better... I simply forgot to remove it! LOL

      I bet your turkey was tasty regardless of which side was up!

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  8. I've ruined many a pot back in the day learning to cook rice lol

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    1. You know... I am a total failure at cooking rice on the stove top. That is probably because I always use the microwave. The rice comes out perfect every time! It is much simpler too. Just measure 1 part rice, 2 parts water. Salt to taste and throw in a couple of teaspoons of butter. Cover. Cook on high for 3 minutes, then on thaw or low power for 21 minutes. Don't open to stir or anything. Just leave it alone. Back in the 60's and most of the 70's before I got my first microwave, I made my rice in the oven. Measurements were the same, but if I remember right, I baked 30 minutes on 350 degrees.

      I was visiting my sister a couple of weeks ago and tried to make rice on her stovetop. LOL...total failure... I hung my head in shame...

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