It’s been many years since I last wrote. Please forgive me for all the years of silence while I was totally immersed in life. Since I last wrote, I graduated high school, college, married a couple of times, worked 42 years, and then retired. There was more, of course, but I won’t bore you.
I have been weighed down with the cares of the world far too long. The last 6 years have tested my faith…completely. Then, I remembered! Of course! I’ll write to Santa. You always gave me my heart’s desire. I began to recall the many letters I wrote to you. Each letter started out, Dear Santa….. My letters told you how good I had been all year, followed by the carefully thought out list of items I wanted to find under the Christmas Tree. I lured you to my house with promises of cookies and milk. Ahhhh…. How simple it was to be a child.
As I write today, I think… How do I explain? I need a definition of naughty too, Santa. I have been very naughty in my life, but not much lately… Well…I can think of a couple of things, but I’ll get to it.
Is this naughty?
HA! Santa…do you really think I would put my 60+ year old body in that? So, on that count, you can chalk me up as good.
What about this?
I quit smoking almost 2 years ago. Not one single cigarette since 1/24/09. That means I have not been naughty even once in 2010.
Then there was this:
No. Once again…not in 2010 or the 32 years before. Nope, no alcohol for me. Nor have I ever done drugs except that time I didn’t inhale and was scared because I just KNEW there was a police officer hiding at the corner of the house just waiting for me to inhale. Hee hee….maybe I did inhale just once, but surely you wouldn’t hold that against me for the last 4 decades…would you?
At one time or another, I have given up every vice I ever had except for coffee. Even that is now a sissy version of caffeine…
Now that I told you how good I have been, I suppose I should explain the times in 2010 that I was naughty. Hmmm….How do I explain? I don’t know that I can. But, I will try.
For every time I get in trouble, it is a toss-up between whether the reason came from my heart or my brain. Both are rather deep wells, you know? I never know what might come up from those wells.
That said…I’ll start with my brain, since she (brainiac) thinks she has the upper hand. My brain is always up to mischief. I call it the “party in my head”. It was my brain that created that raisin man party in the backyard. You know the one…I blogged it…remember?
Then there was the coffee art blog the day I was bored… Heh… That was fun.
Actually…now that I think about it, I’m never naughty when I am using my brain. It seems that the times that I have been the naughtiest are the times that I thought with my heart.
Mostly, my heart is a tender one, however, it can roar like a lion when something touches it or breaks it. Many years ago, I had rental property. One tenant poured a sob story on me…[I tend to believe people until they prove to me they are liars]… It was just another time when my heart got me in trouble when I let the tenant slide on rent for about 3 months. It took another 3 months to get her off the property – legally. My husband was livid. He asked me “Do you know what your problem is?” I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect my answer, which was… “My heart is bigger than my brain???”
My brain/heart ratio:
So, Santa… There you have it. Every time I was naughty in 2010, it was a case of my heart being bigger than my brain. You know me from when I was a small child and you know my heart. I have taken in dozens of lost or injured animals…from birds to squirrels, nursed them back to health and released them. You know I have 8 cats only because I couldn’t take my Mom’s 6 cats to the pound when she died. They were a family and had always been together from birth. How could I take them to a place where they would be split up and end up….how? So, I brought them home. They love it here and are very happy to get to live outside of the confines of a house. Then, there are the dogs. Each of my last 4 dogs were rescues… Each one not wanted primarily due to age and physical condition. Why can’t other people see with their hearts? I saw little lives – not finished yet – not to be thrown away like garbage. God didn’t create garbage. I adopted each one, paid the veterinary bills to get them healthy again, and then loved them every day thereafter. Two have gone on to the rainbow bridge at ripe old ages of 17 and 19 years old. My two who are with me are 15 and 8 years old… The 8 year old one being the newbie… The 15 year old one has been with me for 5 years already. Both are happy, healthy dogs…and I love them so very much. No…they are not the garbage that other people considered them to be…..not garbage and not disposable.
Now that I think of it, those aren’t good examples of my heart getting me in trouble. I mean…after all…how can love for helpless creatures be naughty? Unfortunately, that tender heart doesn’t extend to EVERYONE in the human race. Lots….but not everyone.
Hmmm…..think, think, think…. Oh yeah…my heart roars in defense of cruelty and injustice. Those are the times I have been really naughty. I won’t go into detail because I’m sure I made your naughty list for some of those times. If anything, Santa, I would hope that you would look at my amends. After all, my conscience does not allow me to continue a battle in anger. I pretty much blow up, then blow over. I make amends for my wrongs and usually it does not happen again for a long time. You know most of my anger does not stem from these little instances but comes up out of that deep well of grief. I’m getting better about controlling that anger that roars to life when I think of how my Mother died. It was 2 years last month and my anger roared again when my 18 year old cat died just over 2 weeks ago. Yeah…it roars at whatever little mouse happens to be there when the grief turns to anger once again, then gets bumped up again, this time due to Mikie’s death when my grief was already resurrected by an anniversary. *sigh* I cannot excuse myself, but I have made amends where I needed.
Then, there is my mouth – *sigh* – I am opinionated and outspoken. Blunt honesty is not appreciated:
[For the record, this comment came out of the blue from someone I didn’t know. Nonetheless, I have protected the screen name of the attacker who took exception to my avatar of a clown face.]
Then, there is my tendency to point and laugh … like the time someone made an ass out of himself on Myspace, then moved to another site. Yep..I pointed and laughed…
[Once again, identity is protected. I should be the only one to look like the ass here ‘cause I won’t lie to you Santa.]
So, Santa…Yes, I have been naughty in 2010. But, not as naughty as I was in 2009 when my grief was so raw. I am getting better. My anger is below the surface again as I continue to heal from the worst thing to ever happen in our family…EVER… But, I will conquer this fault in me, just as I did the alcohol and cigarettes. Then I will be perfect…. HA! Like that will ever happen. I’ll never be perfect, but I can continually strive to be better.
Just let me keep my last vice….
Just one question, Santa….